An imaginary will.

A will.

There are many reasons to live. Some seem more futile than the others. In the end however, it all broils down to Nature trying to perpetuate itself by making the different species procreate, one way or the other.

Life is a chain of events, one after the other, without a pause in between. Each and every one of us experiences it, and no matter how we try to shape it, it still continues with the same global pattern. We're like small little electrons flowing, sometimes left, sometimes right, without a knowledge of what's outside the wire.

Fortunately, it can be stopped.

Will.

I lost the will to love. As a person growing up reading books from the French 19th century, Love with a capital L had always exercised a fascination on me. It came with a fair share of pain, but as Victor Hugo said, dying of love is also living off of it. ... A person is like a bar of iron. Some are more malleable than others, more adaptive. Some are stronger, colder. However, with enough strikes of the hammer, both can be forged into something. If the different blows have been given with too much force but no direction, the bar ends up being crooked and can serve no purpose. I feel broken down. Broken and cold and there is no turning back. If the iron is still hot, there is still hope mistakes can be corrected. If the iron is cold, it is too late. Blows after blows, I lost the will to love. I am cold and it is too late.

I lost the will to believe. I believed in people. As much as I sometimes despise the crowd and the herd mentality, I believed in humanity. I trusted each individual person was, in the end, someone good. We all feel the same emotions, the same happiness, the same pain. We can all understand each other. Perhaps I was wrong. I don't believe anymore. In fact, that's not true... I don't give a shit anymore. Who cares if people can be "human". People are way too human. We are the only beings that can cause that much pain in others. We will knowingly torture plants, animals, and fellow humans. Each individual can feel the sufferance being caused, but it doesn't mean one will stop causing it. And now, I don't care anymore, don't want to know whether everything is true. I lost the will to believe. I don't care and it is too late.

I lost the will to befriend. Friendship is another form of love, without the exclusivity, the physical attirance. I thought love was ephemeral but friendship was eternal. I think I am wrong in both cases. There is a saying about how affection is infinite. The more you love, you more you will. There is always a place in your heart. What happens though when the ones inside your heart tear it up from the inside? ... I was once told that falling in love is like rolling down a hill. The feeling is great but at some point it has to stop. Friendship however is like climbing the same hill. It's harder, but every time you stop and look in the distance, the view gets better. I believed that. But a climber isn't eternally one. A lot of these hills have "Do not trespass" signs. I lost the will to befriend. I am tired and it is too late.

Those made me who I was. I wanted to love, to believe, to care. I feel I've been wrong for all three. There is no more "want" in me. When Pandora opened her box and all the evils of the world escaped, Hope remained. When there is no more hope, death remains.

To my sister I give a world. I give her my laughters and my folly and the joy that was me.

To my family I give my money. The few material possessions and the numbers they so need to make the ones they care for happy.

To my friends I give my heart. The place where I held you dear and kept you company.

To the laydees I give my memories. The time shared and the unaccomplished dreams.

To the China doll I give the rest. I would want to give you everything but there is only so much I can give.

To the world I give beliefs. A trace of me soon to be lost.

And thus it ends. I have no will anymore, this is the will.

Goodbye.